The flipside of time freedom

In my blog writing as well as on my YouTube channel, Two Sides of FI, I frequently opine on the power that comes from time freedom - that is, once you’re no longer working to meet life’s expenses (whether you choose to term this “retired” or not), you largely own how you spend your time. Yes, there are always essential obligations: positive things like activities and occasions with family and friends, as well as “necessary evils” like timely bill payment, addressing the latest issues with your car or house, etc. But even after you take these things out, you’re still left with a lot of time to program. This is in my view, the most amazing outcome of my early retirement journey and I love it. But there’s another, darker side of this coin - at least for me.

Ever since my YouTube partner, Eric, and I filmed an episode last week, I’ve been thinking about this topic. I haven’t yet watched the footage, which means there’s some risk of contradicting myself or even unintentionally editing my thoughts in this non-live medium. But I think that’s best, as my intent is to be earnest and avoid the temptation to revise, rephrase, and soften my thoughts in any way.

To be honest, I’m rather greedy about my time. While this has gotten better over the past three years, I’m still very possessive of how I allocate those “free” hours. I love deciding how I want to spend my time each day. As someone who is by nature a hardcore planner, I find a lot of satisfaction in trying out another way, which is being more spontaneous. I love wandering between things, and allowing for an article I’ve read to spawn a serious of plunges into YouTube or Wikipedia rabbit holes. I like deciding to change course suddenly, and rather than work on the latest class of interest, just take a day to go for a 20-mile walk. I enjoy spending half a day cooking, going for a long walk to get tacos or a drink with Lorri, or spending a few hours binging a show. So anything that gets in the way of that ultimate freedom? It’s practically anathema.

I fully recognize that this is silly, unreasonable, and definitely not by choice. I’ve got commitments that I’ve made, that I want to and should honor - to my family, to my collaborations (like Two Sides of FI), etc. Yes, I do have the freedom to cease some of these things, like my once weekly “fun job” at the winery tasting room (I don’t need the money after all). But that’s a different animal than “I do want to do this thing but it’s bothering me that it’s taking time now, which is not when I want to do it.”

I’ve realized this can even happen with things I truly love to spend time on, like the YouTube channel I share with my dear friend of >36 years. Aspects of our project that I’m excited about? I dive in 1000%. But when it’s something I’m not as interested in, am struggling with, or feels like a “task” vs. all the fun things that could be filling that time? I procrastinate, struggle, and complain. That’s nuts! This project is the most fulfilling thing I’ve done since leaving my career behind, and I love working on it. And to be perfectly clear, not-yet-retired Eric works so hard on the lion’s share of the work for the show, in addition to his own business. So it’s completely irrational for me to complain about a thing! But as Eric and I discussed in that conversation, I seemingly need to be really excited by and engaged in the task at hand at this stage in my life. If it just feels like “something” competing for my previous free time, I just don’t want to do it - like a toddler! And yes, it’s embarrassing to share this.

Hopefully I’m being clear that I know this is irrational and when I catch myself in these moments - increasingly in advance, but certainly not always - I do feel silly, greedy, lazy, etc. I am fully aware how privileged I am to be in the position I have achieved. I think about that fact often, even after three years since leaving my job. I assume this behavior is truly just a backlash against the alternative scenario, which is the 30+ years of adult life where someone else determined my priorities, the schedule, and truly had a lot of control over how I spent my time. That doesn’t make it right, but it does provide at least some explanation.

I don’t want to disappoint anyone reading this, but I don’t really have solutions to offer. I do know that I’ve gotten better about this with time, and that feels like at least some progress. I’m much more cognizant of it and honest about it when I feel this way, and occasionally even deal with those feelings before others become aware of them. And if not, I’m more willing to get past the embarrassment and talk about them with those involved. On the constructive side, this is helping me get better about deciding when to commit to things i.e. I’m increasingly better at saying “no” - never a strength of mine. I have ground to gain here still, but as G.I. Joe taught us, “knowing is half the battle”. I’m very aware of this behavior and I am working on it.

Much of what is written by and for the FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) community is about mechanical things - savings, investing, taxes, expenses, insurance, etc. To FIRE aspirants: I promise you that these topics are trivial by comparison with the oft-termed “soft side” of FIRE. When you stop working - early or at traditional retirement ages - a lot changes. Many of you will (and do) deny this. But go ask another retiree and see if they agree with me. To be sure, most of these outcomes are incredibly positive. But that’s simply not the whole story.

My hope is that in sharing these things I’ve learned will help someone else with their own journey. I never would have seen myself as a content creator but several years later, this is now a big part of my identity and my earnest goals. I’m passionate about sharing what I’ve learned and that’s why I devote a good chunk of that precious free time to it. Yes, it helps me to work through my thoughts out loud or at the keyboard. But my more important aim is to help someone else, and love engaging with the community when my thoughts resonate with them. Please, learn from my foibles, mistakes, and stumbling through this next phase of my life!

Mahalo. I wish you all the best. 🙏

image source: Photo by Mario Dobelmann on Unsplash